Cultural Value: Feed your mind
|
I lost my team and am all alone now. On one hand it's nice to still have a job. On the other hand, I thrive in group situations because I think groups are the most powerful way of accomplishing things. Currently I'm like the staff guru, the smart person to have around, dispensing advice, helping to design experiments. The problem is that I can imagine a lot more than I can accomplish on my own, and I don't see how I can maintain my knowledge if I'm not actually accomplishing things and working closely in a group. I've also gone from leading a team in a given direction, to being surrounded by teams who are focusing on tasks, rather than science.
|
|
Sunday March 23, 2008 8:37 pm
Things have gotten better at work. At least temporarily. However, I feel scarred. What do we learn from scars? We learn to be less flexible, less trusting, less engaged, less ambitious. I suppose what I dislike the most, is walking around like nothing ever happened, not being able to talk about how I really feel. On the outside, I try not to show how I feel, but I wonder if we can truly hide any of these things, or if they grow out of us, slowly changing our shape like a cancer. I know I'm quicker to panic, quicker to drama than I used to be, rather than the happy relaxed confidence I'm used to feeling. In general things are going well. I'm working hard on lots of great projects. Getting published. But changes are on the works, we'll see where they lead.
|
|
Tuesday October 9, 2007 12:07 am
It's been a tough time at work. I appear by all measures to be doing a great job, and yet I'm terribly unhappy. I've fallen into a power trap between somebody who I've been told doesn't like me because I stand up to him, and a benevolent committee putting me through my paces asking me to explain my every move, only to conclude that I'm doing very well. It's like the doctor asking how you feel. When you reply, "I feel fine." He says, "Well let's just cut you open and find out!" I used to enjoy going to work everyday. Now I accept it with caution. I think things will get better, but I don't have a sense of hope. There are phone calls that I dread receiving, and meetings that I hope will never happen. I've lost faith in those above me, but I continue to look out fiercely for and have faith in those below me. I moved half way across the country to do a job that I love doing. It got me away from the ocean and into what I would call an intellectual desert. It got me out of debt financially, and out of a rat race of traffic, congestion, and high rent. It gave me some peace of mind and the ability to have shiny new things like fast and sexy motorcycles, but it left me in a place with few destinations to ride to.
|
How is it possible to have just started riding a bike this beautiful, and have it not be a happy event? The answer has something to do with vivisection, something to do with the illusion of control, and something to do with standing up to people with more power than myself. Speak truth to power. I always thought that was good enough. Now I'm not so sure. I think I should make a list of places I could apply for jobs, just to put my mind at ease.
Home Movies |
 |
powered by: m y o w n s t e a m
Where are visitors to this page?
(Auto-update daily since DD-MMM-YY)