How is it possible to have just started riding a bike this beautiful, and have it not be a happy event? The answer has something to do with vivisection, something to do with the illusion of control, and something to do with standing up to people with more power than myself. Speak truth to power. I always thought that was good enough. Now I'm not so sure. I think I should make a list of places I could apply for jobs, just to put my mind at ease.

It's been a tough time at work. I appear by all measures to be doing a great job, and yet I'm terribly unhappy. I've fallen into a power trap between somebody who I've been told doesn't like me because I stand up to him, and a benevolent committee putting me through my paces asking me to explain my every move, only to conclude that I'm doing very well. It's like the doctor asking how you feel. When you reply, "I feel fine." He says, "Well let's just cut you open and find out!"

Tuesday 28 Augst 2007

How do you talk to a dying person? I googled a phrase very similar to that yesterday. I was almost embarassed to have to turn to the internet for such advice. But I knew I could find something. I knew someone had taken the time to write down such valuable, painful advice.

My aunt is about 10 years older than me and she's dying of cancer. I tried calling her yesterday. When I tried calling her today I wasn't even sure she'd be alive. She weighs less than a hundred pounds. My dad had told me that she sounds great on the phone. He talks to her every day. I wish I could tell how he felt. Though his sister is dying, he's straightforward and pragmatic, but I know he cares deeply for her.

I've been thinking about this phone call for days. Trying to ponder how to speak to someone who knows that any day they will cease to exist. How do you talk to someone and avoid speaking about the future? How do you speak without getting locked into easy cliches such as "I hope things will get better", "see you later", "talk to you soon", "you should try it sometime", when you know none of those may be true?

I read a little advice and then decided not to over think it. Instead I would simply go home for lunch everyday and make the phone call until I reached her, betting on my ability to wing the conversation. When she picked up the phone and heard my voice, she immediately asked how was the wedding? It caught me by surprise. It was the first thing she said to me. So I did my best to describe it to her. She was just getting out of the shower, and getting ready to go pick up her dad at the hotel.

Having visitors has been tiring. People have been coming to visit. Her husband has been trying to keep busy. She says it's his way of dealing with it. She relies on her faith for strength. Though I'm not religious I support her in her beliefs. I told her that one of my fondest childhood memories involved her taking me to her highschool for a day. I remember her classmates giving me their spelling list and even though I was only in 3rd or 4th grade I could pronounce and spell most of the words. They were all really impressed. I was too. I remember I found it really confidence inspiring that I could impress a bunch of highschool students at such a young age just by knowing some words. She also took me to her art class where they were making candles by pouring wax into molds made of impressions in sand. It was the early 70s and everyone had long hair. I remember thinking the people in the art class were really cool.

I asked her how she felt, was she freaked out, or had reached some kind of acceptance. She said she'd been doing ok, and that she had come to terms with what's happening. I asked her if she's in pain. She said she's on morphine. Things are shutting down. She hopes she can survive the next four days because her brother is coming to visit.